My mental health is melting

⚠️ _Content Warning - suicide, trauma and other sensitive topics. Reader discretion is advised.

This is another one of those stream of consciousness posts that I post quite often. This time, it’s about my recent journey with depression, suicidal ideation, landing on a shady mental health clinic and trying to fix my own brain.

What happened?

Last week, I had an intense anxiety crisis with suicidal ideation that led me to get help from my health insurance’s therapists who thought it would be a good idea to jail me on a mental health clinic (a.k.a. psychiatric hospital).

I felt very bad and ashamed of my own illness and tried really hard to get out of there. It was awful, I was so afraid of being there. Thankfully, people I met there were nice, and my partner and friends helped me a lot to get away from there and are supporting me now.

What led to this?

I believe I’ve always been quite sensitive. It wouldn’t take much for me to think that it’s the end of the world, or that I’m dying, or that I should’ve never been born.

I’ve also spent years being a socially awkward person, being diagnosed with social anxiety, autism, borderline personality disorder, etc. I believe that spending years feeling socially inept made my brain kind of wired in a way that took me a long time to fix and that has caused a lot of traumas in the way. I have a tendency to isolate, to feel like I’m a problem to others, that I’m inconvenient, that I’m a difficult person. Being able to make friends has been something I’ve only recently figured out how to properly do.

After transition, I thought things were “fixed”. However, these feelings of inadequacy were still buried deep down. At any moment, they would bottle up and explode.

Other things

These last few weeks, or maybe months, years, have been quite harsh to me.

• Made some friends, some of them were gone with harsh, stupid letters;

• Parents separation, which took my by surprise and unprepared;

• Living alone;

• Figuring out gender and sexuality.

Friendships probably were the hardest and harshest to me. I think I never felt more alone.

I have a trait of being a people pleaser as well, probably due to trauma. I don’t want people to be angry at me. I hate cristicism. Especially because I always try to fix my bad traits and I take everything so personally. I want to keep everybody around me happy with my presence.

When I can’t, it’s the end of the world. It’s so hard for me to figure out that people have their own moment. That maybe they are dealing with some shit themselves.

Rejection anxiety has been the worst recently. I’m so afraid that my relationships become fragile things.

I also feel like I’m the hedgehog in the hedgehog’s dilemma – I want people around, but I seem to hurt people every time.

I have many, many reasons to hate myself.

I’ve been recently quite obsessed with suicide (or maybe that has been an obsession for years).

“I never wanted to be born!” yelled young Anne so many times.

I think I was overall a depressed kid in a weird world that I didn’t understand. So afraid.

And I’m not even talking about the systemic shit we’ve all been through. Transness is the new scapegoat for alt-rights and liberals alike. The right-wing already hated us, but now the left-wing shows it’s hypocritical face. It seems like everybody hates transgender people for being who they really are. How can I live in a world without any political support? How to be optimistic?

Aside from that, I’ve been dealing with some self-image problems that have been hard to fight. I’ve talked about this before in a previous post.

I want to die. Now. Let. me. die.

Goodbye.