The urge to disappear from other people's minds

I want to disappear. One of the easiest ways to disappear is to kill oneself. Suicide is not that easy. It’s not just a matter of jumping off a building or in front of the train, but actually a way more complex as oftentimes dramatic thing to do. If you die, you die instantly.

But what about dying slowly? And more important – cleanly.

Last few weeks I’ve been disconnecting from social media. I now exist in real life and in a few parts of the internet. My LinkedIn profile is disabled, which means I barely exist professionally (although people can always hit me up on Slack). I don’t care about being in a community anymore. I wanted to take care of the people who meant something to me.

But as I go further in this journey of disconnection, I realize that I’m not so important in other people’s lives. And that’s okay. But I feel sometimes as if I’m not being seen, thus I don’t exist.

Do I exist?

I wish I could say “No!”, but in reality I do. I’m part of why the world is trash. I’m part of humanity. I’m a waste of flesh.

The big problem about being human is that not only you are a waste of flesh, but you’re also a waste of flesh with feelings. And you can hurt your feelings, and other people’s feelings.

It definitely reminds me of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma – we feel the need to connect, but we hurt each other doing so. This is painfully human.

How do I reduce my “social footprint” and avoid hurting myself and other people? By isolating and letting myself die slowly. Right now I’m organizing my WhatsApp contacts in a way that almost everyone goes away. I’ll just silently disappear from their lifes, stop bothering them, I’ll just be a fading memory.

Then, when no one’s left, that’s my turn. Hopefully the neighbors will find out with the putrid-odour my decomposing body will have.

Thank you all.