Self-loathing queen
by Anne Macedo
It’s all about taking the easy way out for you, I suppose.
Content Warning: suicide, vitriol and self-loathing
Once again, I felt suicidal ideation. It’s often hard for me to deal with those feelings, and I often like to go deep into the rabbit hole when this happens.
Instead of doing crap such as exercising or mindfulness to get better, I decided to watch the movie Christine (2016), a biopic about the late journalist Christine Chubbuck, who shot herself on live television in 1974.
The movie is quite controversial. In a way, it depicts all the nuances of a depressed person – being depressed is not the same as being sad all the time, or being at all hopeless. In fact, Christine had many goals in her life – meet someone, get married, have children, be a successful journalist. Not only that, although she’s mostly known for the “world’s first televisioned suicide attempt”, she did work on a lot of wholesome pieces of journalism. She was pretty much against local news sensationalism of blood and guts.
The thing I feel about suicide is that I don’t really want to die, but I want pain, suffering to end, pressure to be released, and ofter a feeling of not being able to escape. That does sound like modern life for me in a way.
I pretty much made my mind about suicide being logical. It is the only logical option. There can’t be another option… or can it?
In some way, yes. Existence is pain. We live in this rotten capitalist economy. Of course killing oneself is a great option.
Pro-life people will tell you “hey, life is worth living” – that is bullshit.
But wanna know a good suicide deterrent? Suicide is harder than you think If you mindlessly try any common suicide method, you may end up in a pretty bad condition – you may survive. If you want to do it properly, you need research and good luck. If you want to die, you probably don’t want to survive…
Given that suicide is hard, how can we actually try to make life a bit bearable? I have no idea. Understanding yourself, learning about self-compassion, healing your inner child are things you can do individually to make it a bit bearable for yourself.
As for this weird world we’re living in, many people tell me to organize, to channel all my anger into action. I agree completely, but we have to keep in mind that many of us are tired already. If white-priviledged neurotypical cishetero men are tired of fighting, can you imagine how we must feel? Tired as fuck. So take it easy on us please, be mindful.
I have to be honest – I’m fucking tired of everything. When someone tell me I have to organize, or that I have to get my ass off that couch and go out to the streets, it just pushes me to feeling more suicidal. Like hey, y’all could’ve stopped this shit when you had the opportunity. But no, you didn’t, and now you’re blaming me for not organizing, not taking action?
And some people tell me to be strong, that I’m loved, that I’m important, yada yada, same old bullshit.
To be honest, fuck Anne. I don’t fucking care about anything anymore. I get it that this self-loathing comes from a bunch of trauma, but understanding trauma won’t fix it.
Don’t tell me pretty words. Don’t try to help me. This means nothing to me.
I was writing this post with some hope in my head, but now I just feel angry. I don’t know what to do with this anger. Maybe if should fucking drink that fucking SN I bought already.
Good bye.
As lazy as I am, I collected a bunch of resources about suicide that I still haven’t read or watched in its entirety. I just want to leave them here for future reference.
tags: suicide