Love on the Spectrum (not the TV show)
by Anne Macedo
I broke up with my girlfriend. It was a friendly break up, and we still talk and have a lot of respect for each other. Breaking up made me realize though that I’m constantly feeling needy.
A softspoken and sensitive kid – a testosterone-driven teenager
If you ever read my posts, you know I used to be a shy, nerdy, very sensitive and softspoken kid. That would always make me an easy target for bullying, especially for people who were homophobic (the ones who thought that being gay and being girly was pretty much the same thing). I kind of wanted to grow up being like that, but puberty hit me too early.
I remember that my body hair started growing when I was 9. At 11 I had some fur that looked like a mustache, which I would hide with my hand in front of my mouth (that made me suffer a lot because I was already so shy and people would complain that they couldn’t hear what I said). That was also the time where I started not caring so much about being a boy, but also that I started feeling something for girls.
I used to sing in a choir. My voice was so cute, and I remember reading about Mozart and in that book someone mentioned about what they used to do to boys to ensure they didn’t go through puberty and changed their voice (it’s a gruesome story btw). But then it started changing and soon I was with the older boys in the choir doing a stronger, more masculine voice.
Growing up as a (closeted) trans and (undiagnosed) autistic person, teens were the worst years. I had to see all my colleagues start dating and doing other stuff while I had to somehow prove I wasn’t gay. I just didn’t have many social skills to talk to people or to date them. I was a weird teen. Not having transitioned yet, my self-esteem was bad and my self-care skills were lacking.
It just felt bad being a bit pressured into being a “manly” teenager.
Reset – post-transition
Now that I’m diagnosed and that I have transitioned, I feel way better being less open about my sexuality, while still playing with it. I kind of realized that it’s okay, and often charming, to be a weird shy girl with autism, and that some people are kind of into that. I also like to imagine people trying to figure me out, as I’m quite mysterious at times. And last but not least, trying to imagine being cuddled by someone else (yea, I feel needy quite often!).
In the end, I feel like Osaka (from Azumanga) and Sakurai (from Nichijou) :P
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