On social anxiety
by Anne Macedo
Four years masking I’m a miserable human being.
I’ve always had social anxiety. Talking to other people was usually hard for me. I never really understood non-verbal communication and societal rules. Not understanding that causes you a lot of trauma, bullying, being excluded, which leads to self-isolation and the thought that you’re not good enough for life in society.
After roughly four years treating my social anxiety, it started feeling way better, especially after transition.
It took an awful person at a karaoke to throw this all away and make me want to isolate again.
Self-isolation is interesting because you kind of want to isolate as much as possible because you feel like you’re the problem. Combined with a BPD diagnosis, especially when it comes to quiet BPD, it takes the form of self-hatred. Self-hatred because you can’t seem to function in society, and everything you do is wrong somehow.
I was having fun and I was pretty happy this week. I was completely at ease. I went with my partner and a friend to a karaoke bar and a person was singing a song that I like and I know the lyrics. So I went slowly as not to disturb her and took the second microphone. She simply took it out of my hand and left me clueless and embarassed.
Why are normal people like this? Why do they normalize embarassing people so much? The girl was like controlling the crowd and the karaoke queue, as if it was her own party. I guess that’s something that popular, neurotypical people do. Turns out they don’t usually care about other people’s feelings.
I felt sad. The party was over. And I want to isolate again. Social anxiety is back again, crippling me.
Thank you karaoke-girl, for making me struggle again with this anxiety. I hope you’re happy.
tags: anxiety - neurodiversity